Midnight Run
by missingJane
Summary: Jane wants a snack. He gets much more than he bargained for while shopping in the form of two less than intelligent thieves. What starts out as a dangerous encounter turns into a fun adventure for Jane, and a big disappointment for his new criminal friends. Never mess with Patrick Jane.
1. All That, and a Bag of Chips

Hello again. This is a really light, silly story that will only be a few chapters long. Nothing serious here this time. Just Jane messing around with two hapless idiots who will rue the day they ever met Patrick Jane.

Midnight Run

Chapter 1

All That, and a Bag of Chips

He tried to ignore them. They had barged in and the kid working behind the counter immediately took off. Now the older one was checking out the magazine rack for photos of naked women and the other one...he was looking for a fight. There was no place to hide and no way to brush past him without a confrontation.

"You lookin' at me?"

 _Please piss off..._

"No."

"I think you're lookin' at me."

 _I just want to buy a snack and go home. I really don't need this aggravation. Be nice and maybe he'll push off._

"I have to look somewhere, sorry you got in my way". Smart ass reply. Not a smart move though.

"I think you like what you see pretty boy. Men like you make me sick."

 _Unhinged and homophobic. Great..._

"I just want to get my bag of chips and get home again to my wife. I have no desire to get in your way or hold you up from your business. Please, shop, have a good night" the exasperated man explained, concerned for his safety now.

"Hey Wally, this guy's makin' eyes at me" the dim witted young aggressor shouted to his travelling companion.

"What a sick fuck…" the grizzly older man called back as he scanned a nudie magazine by the front door. The kid behind the counter had taken shelter in the back of the store when both men walked in and now was long gone. He knew their kind and wanted nothing to do with them. He'd rather get fired from his job than face a conflict with the two men who now prowled the store like lions in a cage. They looked like they had just crawled out of a sewer. With a shave, shower, decent clean clothes, both men would be genuinely handsome, but with their 3 day growth of beard, greasy hair and food splattered sweaty t-shirts, they were smelly and repulsive. Repulsive to women. Repulsive to Patrick Jane, who was now stuck against the wall, nose to grimy nose with the younger of the two men, trying to talk his way out of this small all-night convenience store. Teresa was working the rare night shift with Cho and Jane had had an urge for some salty chips, something they almost never kept in the kitchen of their home in Austin. Snacking would lead to weight gain, and both of them were vain enough to want to stay slim and agile for the work they did for the FBI. So, a late night run to the store for a very small bag of chips was necessary. He should have resisted the urge to indulge.

The young man leaned in close to Jane, pressing his body up against Patrick's, breathing foul air into his face.

"So...you like what you see? Ain't that right mister?" the young man suggested with a lascivious grin.

 _A cockroach wouldn't want to be in bed with you..._

"Sorry, not my type. See?" Jane said, holding up his left hand, new wedding band glinting in the harsh fluorescent light. "I just came for a snack, which I found, now I plan to go home. Like I said, have a good night."

He tried to slide out from behind the young man's body and walk to the side door and his car. Fresh air awaited.

The young man's demeanor changed from one of teasing delight to rejected anger. Not that he wanted this stranger to come onto him, but he couldn't handle the idea that anyone would reject him for any reason.

"You ain't goin' home buddy. Not til I say so. Ain't that right Wal?" the young man shouted.

"He looks happy right where he is" Wally shouted back, totally engrossed in the latest edition of the flesh mag. His younger brother was always spoiling for a fight and it looks like he just found one. Wally couldn't be bothered to get involved. He just wanted food, a cold drink, all the cash from the register and a hit of Ecstasy. His brother Joe was so...exhausting.

"See? Wally agrees with me...you don't want to go home, not just yet. You want to stay and play for awhile" Joe told Patrick, who was trying to inch himself away from Joe's stinking body.

 _Gotta distract this weasel..._

"You want to play? Play what? What's the plan" Patrick asked. "By the way, I'm Patrick. And you are?"

Joe snorted at Jane's polite introduction, like he was an ambassador or king or some other shit. He didn't even seem scared of them. What the hell was he all about?

"Joe...call me Joe. That there's my brother Wally" Joe said proudly, pointing to his distracted older brother. Wally looked up over the edge of his magazine and scowled at Joe. He'd give him 2 more minutes to make an ass out of himself then they had to go. He walked around the counter and opened the till, scooping up all the paper money and coins, which he then stuffed into a plastic bag.

 _And here we go...I just witnessed a robbery...they can't let me go now..._

Joe watched Wally take the money and grinned wolfishly. The till was full of money and they'd score some good drugs later tonight, after he finished toying with 'Patrick'.

"Hey, throw in some candy and other shit for later! And grab some beers...it's hot out there!" Joe yelled at Wally while Patrick edged farther away from his annoying aggressor. As he finally stepped fully away from Joe he made to run to the other end of the store where a door led to the alleyway. So far, so good. He got halfway down the aisle before Joe turned back to face him and discovered his friend Patrick was getting away.

"Stop the fuck there!" Joe yelled, but Patrick kept moving forward, afraid to stop, afraid to turn and see if a gun was being pointed at his back.

"Joe…" Wally said wearily, not needing all this additional hassle right now. They had only just got out of the local jail after 90 days, and he badly wanted to just freshen up and sleep for a week without other men screaming and cursing at him 24/7.

"I said stop!" Joe yelled, advancing on Jane's rapidly receding form. "I say stop one more time and you get a bullet for a snack!" Joe ordered Jane. Jane slowed his escape and risked turning his head to see if the threat had merit.

Joe stood at attention with his arm extended, a .45 calibre handgun pointing straight at Jane's head. "Got your attention now eh pretty boy?" Joe laughed, crackling with drug fueled energy, He walked slowly towards his target, the gun still high and aimed by a surprisingly steady hand. Jane turned around, his hands raised over his head as he gazed out of the wall of windows running along the side of the building. Not a single car drove by, not a single person walked the streets at this time of the night. He had been a fool to come here tonight.

 _Stay calm...keep Joe busy…_

"I was just…" Jane began, before Joe walked up to his prey and grinned, then brought the gun down across Jane's face, knocking him to the ground with the unexpected blow. Raising a palm to his cheek, Jane's hand came away bloody. He lay sprawled on the floor, and Joe stood straddling him like a hunter posing with his kill.

"Joe, come on...we gotta go…" Wally said as he tossed the magazine into the plastic bag and walked towards his excited brother.

"I ain't done with this fucker!" Joe shouted, filled with his immense sense of power. A gun was such a great social leveller.

"Yes you are Joe. Look, you won, he lost. We gotta go. Forget this loser. His type go home to mamma and cry all night but don't do a damned thing. Ain't that right Patrick? You ain't gonna do a damned thing about this are you? 'Cause you're a wimp. A soft bellied mamma's boy who hates conflict" Wally scoffed, assuming Patrick was terrified suburbanite who would just take his punishment and not run to the cops.

"Yup, you got that right. I don't plan on doing anything except going home. This never happened...and I do hate conflict" Jane agreed readily. This pleased Wally, for the moment. Then Wally had another idea.

"Give me your wallet" the older brother commanded, holding his hand out to Jane.

"Haven't you got enough money already?" Jane asked, reluctant to hand over his credit cards.

"I don't want your damned money" Wally explained. "Give me your wallet or I let Joe loose on you" he warned Patrick. Joe advanced on Jane, his fists already balled up ready to fight.

"Ok, Ok…" Jane agreed, handing his brown leather wallet to Joe, who then gave it to Wally.

"Let's see who we've got here…" Wally said casually. "Hmmm...Patrick Jane...so... Mr. Jane...where do you live with this lovely wife of yours?" Wally mumbled as he looked at everything in the wallet.

Jane's self control was being stretched thin. If they knew where he and Teresa lived, he expected Wally and Joe would eventually pay them a visit. Wally pulled out Jane's driver's license.

"Oh….way out there...ain't that piece of land got a pond on it? Did you buy that old piece of shit cabin and fix it up for your Missus?" Wally asked, knowing the Austin area very well.

Jane said nothing. Anything he said would be used against him or Teresa, so he bit his tongue.

"Well, good for you if you could turn that hunk of plywood into a house. What else we got here…?" he muttered as he turned the wallet inside out. A small card fell to the ground and Jane knew he was finished.

Joe stooped to pick it up and held it up to his eyes. Not believing what he read, he passed it over to his much smarter brother.

Wally took the business card and eyed the logo, in bold type across the top of the card, then scanned the details below. As the information he read began to lodge in his brain, he quietly tucked the card back into the wallet and put it into the plastic bag with the snacks and the money.

"It ain't real Wally. Can't be. Not this pussy. No way Wally" Joe blabbered, suddenly nervous.

Wally sat down on his heels to stare at Patrick, who was now sitting up and wiping his bleeding cheek with a handkerchief while trying to clear his foggy brain.

"Well well well...looky what my idiot brother caught tonight" Wally said quietly, looking up at his younger sibling. "Joe, you should be proud of yourself. You just caught yourself an FBI agent!"

Jane cringed inwardly. His chances of walking out of that sad convenience store had just diminished immeasurably as his true identity was revealed. And, Wally knew where he lived.


	2. Clarification

Rolling right along...here is the next chapter to this very short story. I know, the first chapter wasn't very silly, sorry. But things can change. Enjoy.

Midnight Run

Chapter 2

Clarification

Joe stuck the gun back into the waistband of his pants while Jane reeled from the unexpected pistol whipping.

 _**!#%^#!**#!^%%** ! Jesus that hurt!_

Jane rolled over to stand up on wobbly legs, his face howling in pain. He glared at his two feral companions then cast a furtive glance through the wall of windows. No one else was on the street at this hour. He could see he was still alone in his predicament. Time to bluff. He needed to lie like he'd never lied before.

"You can't be serious."

Wally snorted in surprise when Jane spoke and stepped closer to poke him in the chest with a long dirty fingernail.

"Do I look like this is a joke G-Man?"

Jane assumed the most casual stance he could manage, and poked Wally back, just as rudely.

"You. Don't. Get. It."

Wally looked like he was going to punch Jane in the face for his insolence. Joe interrupted his brother's plans.

"Get what? What's he talkin' about Wally?" Joe asked warily, eyeing Jane with renewed concern.

"He ain't talkin' 'bout nothin'. He's just stallin' for time. It's how they train them agents Joe" Wally assured his nervous younger brother. Jane broke out in a grin, hoping to throw the men off their plan for him, whatever it might be.

"Sorry to disappoint, but there is no 'they'. I'm not an FBI agent. That card is a fake, a forgery, a party joke. Look again" Jane told Wally, pointing to his very real business card.

Wally's smile faded and he held the card up to his nose again, reading the print and fingering the raised ink on the stark white business card. When he saw nothing to dissuade him from believing Jane was a Federal Agent, he looked up and sneered.

"What? What am I supposed to be seein'?"

Jane reached out and snatched his card out of Wally's dirty fingers.

"This card is a fake. I have about a hundred more at home just ready to have your name printed on them. Makes a good party favour. I sell a ton of them to corporations and fraternities. The Frat boys love them. Impresses the ladies, if you know what I mean" he added, winking conspiratorially at Wally and Joe.

A vague awareness of the value of the card arose in Joe's otherwise empty brain. Grabbing the card out of Jane's hand, he looked at it again, grinning with the possibilities it presented.

 _Oh Joe, you are the dimmest dimbulb of them all..._

"So, you're sayin' that I can get a business card with my name on it, sayin' I'm a Federal Agent, or a cop, or...or…" his imagination had reached its limit.

"You could be the King of Spain if you wanted to be" Jane encouraged him.

Joe smiled broadly and began to dance a jig. "Look at me! I'm the freakin' King of Spain!"

Wally grabbed Joe and shoved him against the wall.

"Stop actin' like a fuckin' idiot!" Turning back to Jane, who was schooling his facial features to hide his burgeoning grin, he studied the man closely.

"So, if you ain't a Federal Agent, who the hell are you?"

 _Baited, hooked and bagged._

Patrick grabbed his business card out of Joe's sweaty hand and pocketed it in his blue jeans.

"I _am_ Patrick Jane, that part is true, but there is no way I could ever work for the Feds...you must be kidding. No, I'm in the printing business. Anything you want printed, I can do it. I have a shop in a strip mall in Austin, but I also have a small shop set up at home, for very special printing jobs...jobs that...let's say...are not strictly legal" he smiled, winking at Wally.

 _God, this was going to be too easy._

Wally stepped back and appraised their new friend. So this guy could print business cards, or anything really… in a secret shop at his house. Why so secret, unless he didn't want the cops to know what he was up to. Jane could see Wally connecting the dots of his fabricated story, hoping he'd reach the correct conclusion. As the ramifications of Jane's story reached its logical conclusion, Jane could see the instant Wally got the message. Wally took Jane's brown wallet out of the plastic bag and opened it again, pulling out a $20 bill. Eyeing it closely, he held it up to the light and rubbed his fingers over the soft paper, feeling the texture of the bill.

"Some of my best work" Jane whispered, leaning in to tap the money in Wally's hand. "Can't tell it from the real thing, don't you think?" he smiled, waggling his eyebrows in pride. Joe came over and examined the money as if he had a clue as to its authenticity.

"Looks real enough to me Wally" he mumbled, jealous that this Patrick Jane fellow could manufacture his own money at home.

"As if you'd know the difference you moron" Wally barked at his brother, but he too was leaning towards believing that his new buddy Patrick was a master counterfeiter. "You got any more like this?"

Jane smiled and relaxed his stance, enjoying himself now. These guys really wanted to believe, really needed to believe what he was telling them. So, he continued with his con.

"How'd you think I paid for that?" he said, pointing out of the floor to ceiling window in the direction of his shiny new black sports car. It was on loan while his family car was in the garage, but they didn't need to know that.

"No fuckin' way!" Joe gasped, shoving his elbow into Wally's ribs in case his older brother didn't fully understand how fabulous this news was.

"Now I don't want to get you two too excited, and I do owe you a punch in the nose" Jane said, looking at Joe, "but, my private business is really taking off...and I was thinking of bringing in a couple of men to help me make deliveries, russle up new business opportunities, lean on some of my clients who haven't paid up yet…" he said, keeping his voice low and urgent.

"I just didn't know where to find someone to do that kind of work. But if that's something that interests you Wally…" Jane said, leaving the men to work out what he was offering. He wanted partners in crime.

Joe's eyes lit up like it was Christmas morning and he almost rubbed his palms together in anticipation of the riches coming his way, via his newest friend, counterfeiter Patrick Jane. He turned to see how his brother would react to this job offer. Both were fresh out of jail, unemployed and unemployable due to their lack of skills in anything that required hard work and honesty. And brains. Wally considered what Jane had offered and wiped his face with his dirty hand. He needed cash, and he couldn't keep robbing all-night convenience stores as a career move. But this guy was obviously well educated, clean and well dressed, had a fabulous car, and carried phony money around without a care in the world. A job offer like this didn't come along every day.

"I don't work cheap" he muttered, looking at Jane to gauge his reaction.

"We...don't work cheap" Joe interjected, insulted that Wally had left him out of the conversation.

Jane smiled broadly, reaching into the plastic bag to retrieve his wallet.

"Nor should you. If I am willing to stick my neck out to make counterfeit money, you should be well paid for risking working for me. This would help me immensely. I can focus on the actual production of my contracts, and you can handle the rest. Are you good at leaning on stubborn clients if they won't pay up?"

Joe laughed out loud at that question. Now he felt he had something to contribute.

"Oh hell yeah...we're real good at persuadin' people to pay up and shut up, or else Wally here lays a beating on'em, don't ya Wal?" Joe grinned. "After I soften them up first of course."

Jane turned his eyes to Wally, seeking confirmation that besides being thieves, they were in the business of beating people. Assault and battery, robbery with a weapon, pistol whipping, intimidation, coercion, the list of crimes they were admitting to just got longer and longer. Cho would love this. Too bad he and Teresa were out on a boring case.

"Well Wally? Can I count on you to provide the muscle I need from time to time?"

Wally threw his shoulders back with pride. Hell yes he could provide muscle. He'd beaten a man to a pulp in jail, but no one would rat him out and he escaped further charges.

"Sure as hell can. Just tell me who and where and I'll make him sell out his Mamma" he growled. Patrick clapped his hands together in happiness. "Excellent!"

"So gentlemen, I think we just might have started a wonderful relationship which will be mutually beneficial to us all" Jane enthused, while Joe gazed at him like he was finally in the presence of his favourite movie start.

"You sure talk fancy" Joe said without thinking, instantly feeling stupid for admitting his fascination with Patrick Jane. Jane smiled benevolently at the dim, sadly besotted, young man.

"I say what I mean. Remember that. And Joe, you will take a pay cut on our first job together, for this" Jane said, rubbing his cut cheek. "Never lay your hands on Patrick Jane. Got it?" he hissed, glaring at the rapidly shrinking young man.

"Yessir! Sorry! It won't never happen again, promise!" he blubbered to his brother Wally's disgust.

"If you two are finished kissin' and makin' up, can we get the fuck outta here?" Wally asked Jane.

"Absolutely. I plan on going home and…"

"We're comin' with you" Wally interrupted Jane.

Jane looked sternly at Wally, the two of them engaging in a silent pissing contest. He stared at Wally, who glared back, daring Jane to do something. After a good two or three minutes of silence, Jane spoke up first. This was his con, after all.

"As I was saying. I plan on going home, alone, just for now. I need to get my wife out of the way so I can let you two in the back door without her seeing you. What she doesn't know won't hurt her. Understand?" Jane said, looking from Joe to Wally and back again.

Joe was so eager to begin his work with Mr. Jane he readily agreed to Patrick's terms, but Wally was more cautious.

"How do I know you won't call the cops as soon as you leave here? You could call them and they'd be waiting for us at your place. We don't know you" he said sensibly.

"Correct answer Wally, glad to see you're thinking this thing through" Jane said with a confident smile. Joe suddenly looked crestfallen. Why didn't he think of that? He just wasn't very smart. Jane continued.

"I have just revealed to you that I am a master counterfeiter, that that car is paid for with fake money, you already know where I live, and that my wife is home alone right now. Would I risk my safety and job security to lie to you now? You could go to the police and we'd all end up in the county jail to hash things out. You know what I do, and I know you steal money from all-night convenience stores. Gentlemen, we all have something to lose here. So, let's decide to trust each other and make a lot of very nice fake money!" Jane suggested.

Joe whooped in excitement and turned to Wally, looking for his approval.

"Come on Wal! We ain't got nothin' else to do and Mr. Jane here is offerin' us a new life! If you won't do it, I sure as hell will. Count me in Mr. Jane!" he said, thrusting his grimy hand out for Jane to shake, effectively making them business partners.

"I have to go before my wife gets suspicious. Wally, are you in or out?" Jane pressed the man. Wally bit his lip in thought, but in the end his greed and need to make a fast buck persuaded him to agree. He nodded briefly and stretched his hand out to shake Jane's as well.

"We got a deal Mr. Jane!" Joe said happily.

"You made a very smart choice Joe. Now, do I need to remind you where I live or can you find it yourself?" Jane asked Wally, insulting his intelligence just a bit.

"Fuck off! I know where you live Patrick" he growled as he nudged Joe towards the door.

 _Eh voila..._

"Excellent. Now, I'll go home and get my wife squared away for the night. Can you come to my place...let's say...in one hour? By then my wife will be asleep and the dog will be chained up for the night" Jane lied. There was no dog.

"Dog? You got a dog? I hate dogs…" Joe whimpered. "Does he bite?"

"Like a starving polar bear" Jane grinned, strolling towards the door. "That's why I need to chain him up before you come. When you get to my back door, just tap three times and I'll let you in right away. Be very quiet and no one will ever know you were there" he added.

Joe nodded but looked ashen all the same. A big, dangerous dog who wanted to eat him...God, that was his worst nightmare. Wally just sneered at his younger brother and his irrational fear of animals in general and dogs in particular.

As they stood and watched Jane get into his black car and drive off with a happy wave, Wally sighed deeply. This guy better not be playing them, or he'd be sorry.


	3. Knock Knock

I said this story would be short, and it is. This is the last chapter. I hope it has been a fun read for all of you. Thank you to all of the Guest reviewers who took the time to make comments. When you are a Guest, I can't reply, but I read every one of your comments and appreciate them. Thanks to everyone else who regularly reviews. You are all wonderful!

Midnight Run

Chapter 3

Knock Knock

Wally and Joe watched Jane's car drive away until they lost sight of it, then they turned and got into their battered Chevy truck. Exactly how their dominance over Jane had been totally reversed was going to take some re-thinking, but for now, it appeared that the man they let go just might be the key to them making some good money, fast. Jane had seen them commit a robbery, but he had admitted to being a counterfeiter, so, in the end, they were even. Each could rat out the other to the cops if the need arose.

Jane had said to wait for about 60 minutes, so they drove over to a burger joint and ordered a large meal with their stolen money, killing time until they made their way over to their new boss's house in the country outside Austin.

Patrick drove through the dark night, listening to a smooth jazz program on the radio. A huge grin was plastered on his sore face, even though a large bruise and a sticky scab would no doubt be visible on his cheek by tomorrow. If he managed to get Joe and Wally arrested for a long list of crimes and put safely back behind bars before they could do more harm, it would be worth it. As he mulled over his plans for the two idiots he had just left behind at the convenience store, his cell phone rang.

"Teresa?'

"Hi Patrick. I'm surprised you're still up."

"And yet you called anyway. What if I was sleeping?"

"Were you?"

"No."

"I didn't think so. Are you in the car? I can hear a radio."

"You're good. Ever consider police work?"

"Smart ass."

Jane grinned, loving this repartee with his beautiful and sassy wife.

"What's up Teresa? Are you going to be out all night?"

"Actually, Cho and I are heading home. The guy we were supposed to meet chickened out and never showed up. We left two junior agents on site just in case he does make an appearance. I'll be home in about 15 minutes. Just thought you'd like to know" Teresa said happily.

"Gives me time to bury the bodies" Jane replied with a laugh.

"Bury them deep. So, why are you out and about at this time of night?" Teresa asked sensibly.

"Ahhh, just on a run to the store, needed a few things, you know."

"Bought some banned snacks."

"Maybe."

"Well save me some and we can get fat together. See you soon Patrick."

"Hold on a bit...I think I'm going to need both you and Cho to meet me at home. Cho, are you listening?'

"Yes, Teresa has you on speakerphone. What did you get into now Jane?"

"Ohhh, the usual. I got caught up in a robbery, was assaulted with a deadly weapon, just for starters."

"You got assaulted with a weapon?" Cho repeated while Teresa looked horrified.

"Yes, that would be me, but there will be time for that story later. I need you and Teresa to meet me at home and help me with a plan I'm working on."

"Jane! Are you alright?" Teresa had to ask.

"A little sore, my shirt needs to have the blood soaked out of it, but I'll be fine. Listen, we need to make some plans…" Jane continued, filling Cho and Teresa in on the events of the evening. By the time he pulled into the driveway of his cabin in the country, he felt sure the situation was well in hand. Lisbon wasn't so sure.

Joe and Wally were stuffed. Two hamburgers each, large milk shakes, large orders of onion rings and fries and cookies were all washed down with Coke and Pepsi. With full bellies and hopeful hearts, they drove toward the Jane residence in the country to meet the man who promised to make them both very rich.

Jane was in the kitchen, having explained his plan to Teresa. She had arrived home soon after Jane and was now in her bathrobe and lay on their big bed in the large bedroom at the back of the house. She was nervous and a bit angry that Jane was letting these two criminals into their home, but since they already knew where Patrick lived, it really didn't matter in the end. They would have shown up anyway. Better to control their movements right from the beginning. As she lay awake and alert, she heard an old car drive up, chugging up the hill and finally parking next to the house. Two doors slammed shut and the sound of cautious footsteps told her Joe and Wally had arrived. Instead of coming up onto the front porch, the men went around to the back of the house and tapped lightly on the back door, as planned.

 _Showtime!_

Jane got up from the kitchen table and unlocked the back door, putting his finger to his lips to tell the men to be quiet.

"Shhh...the wife is asleep back there" Jane said, pointing to the wrong side of the house. "Keep it down. She has no idea what I do outside of my regular job."

"Sure."

"Ok."

"Want a beer?"

"Hell yes!"

"Shhh!"

"Sorry."

Jane pointed to the kitchen table and both men sat down. Fetching three beers out of the fridge, he opened them and passed two to Joe and Wally.

Both drank deeply, finding room in their full bellies for just a bit more drink. Looking at Jane expectantly, Wally was the first to speak since Jane was content to just sit and down his beer.

"Well, when are you goin' to show us the operation?"

"Did I say I'd do that?"

"Well, why in hell are we here unless you want us to see what it is that you do?" Wally said with surprise.

Jane grinned and swatted his hand at Wally's arm. "I'm just kidding, just fooling around. Of course I want you to see what I do, but first, let's have what should be the first of many many beers together in the future."

"Cheers!" he said, clinking his beer bottle against theirs.

"Cheers!" Joe echoed Jane, completely impressed with this dapper man. "I like your style Mister Jane!"

"And I like you too Joe. You're a straight shooter. No B.S. I like that in a man" Jane complimented the stupid young man. Joe fairly burst with pride while Wally appraised Jane a bit more harshly. What was he up to?

Jane managed to waste a bit more time and just as he stood up to show the two men his secret room where he made his counterfeit money, a harsh pounding on his back door made Jane leap back in shock. He seemed frozen with fear.

"What the fuck is this?" Wally asked, concerned that the previously confident Jane seemed so worried. "Who is that?"

Jane crept to his back window and peeked out. Running a shaking hand over his forehead, he visibly blanched.

"It's nothing. Nothing. Just ignore it and he'll go away."

"Like hell!" Wally growled, seeing Jane for the coward he obviously was. Who was he so afraid of?

"Who is it and why is he poundin' on your door at 1:30 in the mornin'?" Wally demanded.

"It's ahh...just a client...who wants his order…" Jane said in a shaky voice as the pounding on the door began again.

"So let him in and give'em his stuff" Joe said innocently. Jane looked like he'd seen a ghost and shook his head in disagreement.

"I can't. I ahh...I spent it all...and this guy is going to kill us if I don't give him what he wants!"

"The fuck you say! I ain't part of this!" Wally shouted as Joe stood up and backed away from the kitchen table, looking terrified.

"Look, he knows what I do, and if you guys are here, he'll assume you're part of my team, which you are now, so, we need to keep him calm and get him outta here quick" Jane explained.

"I ain't done a damn thing for you yet, so I ain't part of no team!" Wally shouted as the pounding on the back door reached a new level of urgency.

"What the hell is going on in here?" Teresa yelled, appearing in the kitchen in an old bathrobe with her hair mussed up by sleep. Joe and Wally turned around in shock at the arrival of a new person.

"Oh nothing honey, just fooling around with some friends, right boys?" Jane said in a panic.

"Bullshit!" Teresa threw a hairbrush at Jane and watched him duck out of the way like a coward. "You cheated someone again didn't you Patrick?" she growled, pointing to the back door.

"You know what I do?" Patrick said in amazement. Teresa advanced on him menacingly.

"You really think I don't know how you made so much money last year? Do you honestly think I believe you made enough money to buy that ridiculous car out there with orders for business cards and wedding invitations? I'm not that stupid honey. Let our friend in and let's get this over with" Teresa said as she walked to the back door and unlocked it.

"No no! Don't!" Joe yelled, terrified at the sudden turn of events.

Teresa ignored him and yanked open the door. Cho stepped into the room, dressed completely in black and carrying a baseball bat and a gun.

"Why the locked door Jane?" he growled, advancing on Patrick.

"Sorry, I was busy, just showing my new partners around" Jane said, pointing at Joe and Wally. Joe looked like he was going to pee his pants while Wally was prepared for a battle. He only wished he'd brought his gun with him. Joe had left it in the car.

"I aint' your partner!" Wally said, hoping to de-escalate the situation without being killed by this enraged client.

Cho rounded on Wally and focussed on him.

"Are you working with Jane or not? Because if I find out you cheated me out of my money, you're all dead" Cho shouted, advancing on Joe as well.

"No no! We only just met him, didn't we Wally?" Joe blabbered.

"And you expect me to believe that? Yet here you are, sitting in Jane's kitchen, drinking his beer and entertaining his wife. What the hell is this Jane? Where's my money?"

"We made an arrangement, we have plans…" Jane began before Wally took over, trying to placate Cho.

"Cool down. Listen buddy, we only just met this guy a few hours ago, at a store on Highway 99. We was in there robbin' the place and Jane witnessed it. We was gonna make sure he didn't talk but he told us that he made funny money, even showed us some, so we said we'd come and take a look. Ain't that right Joe?" Wally said, turning to his brother for confirmation.

"Yeah, yeah, like he said. We just got outta jail ourselves and needed some cash, so we hit up the convenience store on 99 and emptied the till. Even pistol whipped this idiot to show him who's boss. We found his fake FBI ID card in his wallet and he explained how he makes them and anythin' else you want, for a price. He said we could make a lot of cash deliverin' his counterfeit money. He said we could find new customers too, make it a business arrangement."

"You're lying to cover your asses. You both help this idiot make the fake money and you both owe me big time!" Cho barked, keeping his gun aimed at Wally and Joe. Teresa walked over and put her arm around Cho and smiled, kissing him on the cheek.

"Teresa! What are you doing?" Patrick shouted in alarm, betrayed by the woman he loved.

"What does it look like you fool? How long did you think I was going to put up with a loser like you Patrick? I've been looking for greener pastures for over a year, and Kimball here is more than willing to step up and be the man I need" Teresa said, leaning against Cho's massive arm.

Jane looked stricken, betrayed, ambushed by his woman.

"I don't know what to say...how could you…" he mumbled as he sat down in a kitchen chair, holding his head in his hands. Wally looked disgusted at his display of unmanly shame.

"Oh for Chrissakes, be a man!" he yelled, embarrassed by Jane's capitulation.

"Shut the hell up" Cho instructed Wally.

Wally remembered that Cho was the one with the gun, so he nodded and clammed up.

"So if you two morons only met Jane tonight…"

"We did!"

"And you were robbing the store instead of helping him make funny money…"

"We were, we can prove it, right Wally?" Joe said, knowing the bag from the store was still in the glove compartment of the car outside. "The money's still in the car!"

Cho stared at the two shaking men and lowered his gun slightly, giving them a pass.

"Then I guess I don't have anything against you. You're free to go. I'll take care of this idiot myself" Cho said, pointing his gun at Jane now and stepping aside to let Wally and Joe leave through the back door. Joe didn't wait but started to walk towards the back door, thankful to have survived this close encounter. Wally took his time, laughing at Jane as he slunk past.

"So long sucker" Wally sneered at Jane as Patrick backed up with his hands in the air while Cho advanced on him.

"Aren't you going to help me?" Jane yelled in panic as his business partners walked away.

"Fuck off wimp" Joe answered, so disappointed in his new friend. What a loser.

Both men took one last look at Patrick Jane as he shook in fear in his own kitchen. What a waste of time this had been. At least they still had the money from the convenience store. Both men walked out of the back door and headed around the corner of the house towards their car. As they emerged from the backyard, they were blinded by a brilliant light that snapped on as soon as they rounded the corner. Immediately a group of police and FBI officers encircled them with guns raised.

"Stop right there. Raise your hands!" a voice called out of the darkness.

"What the fuck!" Joe yelled in horror while Wally desperately looked for a way to escape.

"You got the wrong guys! Them other guys is in the house, one of 'em has a gun on the other!" Joe yelled, still unaware of the true situation.

"On your stomachs, hit the dirt!" a voice commanded them.

"But they'll get away!" Joe shouted as he was pulled down to the ground and handcuffed. When Wally didn't comply fast enough, a hand roughly shoved him down in the dirt, a knee in his back while two muscular hands pulled his arms back behind him and placed his hands in handcuffs.

"What's all this about officers? We ain't done nothing wrong!" Joe yelled.

"Yeah, you got the wrong guys! The guy who makes the counterfeit money is inside, with another guy! He's got a gun and is gonna kill him!" Wally shouted, desperate to save his own skin.

Both men were pulled up and stood on their feet again, the light still blinding them to anything outside its circle. As they were walked towards a police car, they finally saw Cho, Teresa and Jane leaning against the cruiser, grinning like Cheshire cats.

"That's them...that's the guy! He's the guy! He's running a counterfeiting operation in the house!" Joe yelled, still completely believing Jane's story. Wally stared at the three FBI agents and knew he'd been played.

"Shut up Joe. Just shut the fuck up, for once in your life!" he snapped.

"But Wally…" Joe whined.

Jane stepped forward and grinned at Joe and Wally as they were being put into the police cruiser.

"Thank you for a very memorable evening gentlemen. I'm sure we'll meet again. Probably tomorrow, or the day after, whenever the local officers have finished processing you. Then I think we'll have a chat in my office in Austin."

Wally glared at Jane and knew something big had happened, but he still didn't know what it was.

"Your office? What the hell you talkin' 'bout?"

"Oh, sorry. How silly of me…" Jane said as Teresa and Cho stood nearby grinning at the conclusion of this fun little charade.

Jane fished a card out of his pocket and held it up to Wally and Joe's noses.

"This card? It's real. As in, I'm Patrick Jane, Consultant, Austin FBI. You've already met my lovely wife, Agent Teresa Lisbon Jane of the FBI, and Senior Agent Kimball Cho, also FBI. No fake cards, just the real deal. You boys have just confessed to aggravated robbery to the Senior Agent of the Austin FBI. With my eye witness testimony and my injuries suffered in the commission of that crime, I'd say our acquaintance will be a short one, since you'll be doing five to 99 years in a Federal Prison after your trial. Have a nice night!" Jane said with a smile as he slammed the door shut in their stunned faces.

As the police cruiser pulled away, Jane was joined by Cho and Teresa.

"Well that was fun" Teresa said as she hugged Jane and touched his cut face. "You OK?"

"Never better."

"Liar."

Jane turned to Cho. "Thanks Cho, you were great. I swear, if you weren't in the FBI, you'd have a career onstage. Excellent performance with very little preparation!"

"Thanks Jane. It was better than a stakeout. Glad to help."

Jane turned to Teresa. "And you, vixen, all that "I'm leaving with Kimball" ...nice touch. And the hairbrush? I wasn't expecting that!"

Teresa laughed. "I can be spontaneous when the need arises."

"Yes, you can" Jane smiled, leaning in to kiss his beautiful wife.

"Annnnd, on that note, I'm outta here" Cho said, seeing that Teresa and Patrick wanted to be alone.

"Thanks Cho. Really, you got me out of a bit of spot there" Jane said sincerely.

"You're welcome. I'll take your statement in the morning. Get some sleep and get that face looked at by a doctor."

"He will" Teresa assured Cho as she put her arm through Jane's. Cho got back into his vehicle and pulled out as the last of the other police officers left the property. He couldn't wipe the goofy grin off his face.

Jane and Teresa walked back towards the house in silence. Then Teresa stopped and stared at Jane.

"What were you buying at midnight, if I may ask?"

Jane cringed. Busted!

"A small, some might say, tiny, bag of chips. So small, hardly any calories. Which I never got to eat, by the way!"

"Good! No chips for you!"

"But I thought we were going to share? And I earned them! Don't I deserve something for all the pain I suffered tonight?"

Teresa hugged Jane and leaned into him. "I think I can give you something to ease your pain which will be completely healthy and non-fattening. Care to guess what it is?" she said with a sly wink.

Jane looked like he had to think it over. "Is it very nice?"

"I hope so."

"Do I like it? A lot?"

"That's what I've come to believe."

"Is it carb free, cholesterol free, fat free, sugar free?"

"Well, I like to think it's very sweet…"

Jane leaned in and kissed her waiting lips. "Yes, very sweet…"

Teresa giggled when he whispered something suggestive in her ear, leading her by the hand towards the house.

"You're a good guesser Patrick" she answered as he swept her up into his arms.

"I'm good at a lot of things. Snack time awaits!"

He carried her laughing into the house and locked the door behind him, not wanting any more unwanted visitors tonight. One by one the lights went out, until a tiny light burned in their large back bedroom. Before they slept, Patrick and Teresa indulged in a very nice treat indeed.

The End.


End file.
